I Became the Villain
This era isn't my "villain arc," it is my unburdening and me becoming the duality of my existence, which is a fancy way of saying I am tired of masking for everyone. The truth is, I am perpetually anxious, people adverse (in crowds), enjoy my personal space, and am generally looking for the exit in every public building I enter (three assaults and trauma will do that to you). I am not the put together person people see me as, I am healing from maladaptive behaviors with the determined drive to hold myself and you accountable.
We are eventually a villain in someone's story and speaking as a recovering people pleaser/conflict-resistant person, setting boundaries (for myself as well) has had some pain points. Although, let me not downplay that I have indeed been the villain at times. I keep waiting to feel like I "used to" and am gradually realizing that I can't go back to Kay from eleven months ago or even two years ago. I'm fundamentally evolved. I am waking up to find that my needs and the world around me is incontrovertibly different than what I know.
A lot of what I "wanted" I don't need and a lot of what I had existed to show me what I deserve. So, I'm sitting in my apartment listening to 432hz frequency music and watching the sun dance across my living room in a pleasing ripple of scintillating light. I think about an individual that I'm building a romantic bond with, what I'm going to make for dinner (probably pork shoulder with russet potatoes and broccoli), how my Siberian Husky looks like a baby polar bear sometimes, and how I really want to jet off to a cabin in the mountains and not look at my phone for four days.
I can't jet off to a cabin in the mountains right now, but I can update my blog with the hope that it will motivate me to write the other 46372635637 unfinished pieces in my documents folder, while simultaneously allowing my brain enough reprieve to sleep for two hours. Admittedly, this weekend was hard. It was hard because life is starting to become easier and easier feels foreign?
The people who made my days feel heavy or shaky are gone, either by my hand or some unforeseen guide who knew they were here for a season and a reason. See...easy is scary, because I can definitively feel it now in comparison to before. One of my first memories is of my father pointing a gun at my mother, another is of what is probably a fabricated memory of me and my parents at a beach...happy (I'm wearing a sailor outfit it's super cute), and another is of me smiling at my baby sister, who was blissfully playing in her crib to the backdrop of someone asking my dad to "please stop." So, easy is weird for me.
It's new, but not. I have been covered and in many ways highly favored. I tend to be in the right place and among the right people at the right time. It doesn't feel like it will be okay sometimes, but always is. So, I'm practicing gratefulness. I am grateful for how me parting from best friends and close family members provided a safer space for me to exist and pour into myself. I am grateful for how I have repurposed a lot of my traumas into an Infinity Gauntlet of how I intend to love myself. Pain shouldn't have to be experienced to traverse life, but I am grateful for how I have healed and am currently healing.
The desire for outside approval isn't quite as strong nor is the desire to live in other people's judgments of me. I'm most excited about how I no longer take on other people's insecurities or intrusive thoughts, that is not my self-work to absorb. I don't have to save anyone, but me. It is sobering and it is also terrifying, because it means that I am now steeped in authenticity. I say "no" when I need to, I check people when they need it, I check myself, and I am honest with everyone now.
It was easier to mold myself into who I thought others needed me to be when I was younger. My thought was maybe they would like me more, maybe they wouldn't leave. In most cases, they still did both and I was left feeling depleted; fabrication tends to do that to you. When we are insincere it bleeds through our skin and oozes through our pores; people can feel it... even if they don't know why you feel "off." Beyond that, being a chameleon devours little pieces of the self until you're left with little fractures.
I am healing my little fractures and have been releasing the sensations and emotions as they come into a collection of poetic compilation. I'm happy to share very intimate pieces of my journey, thought path, and glimpses with you all. December 30th, I'm publishing my first book, I Became the Villain, a chapbook that will take you down the tunnel with me and back out toward the light. Stay tuned for more information to come.